Pain
by Ria
Summary: A mistake ... [Shounen-ai: one sided Kensuke]


**Pain**

**Disclaimer:** Digimon, Ken Ichijouji, Daisuke Motomiya aren't mine. Plots and anything related to it aren't mine either. Everything is only borrowed and no profit is being made, so please don't sue! ^^ 

_This is short... but it's definitely not sweet!_

* * *

Tears ... 

Tears flow freely, the echoes of the slammed door hammering in my ears. Strength failing me, I collapse to my knees, fingers twisting blindly into the carpet. Trembling finely, I try and draw in a breath and all I feel is pain in my chest. 

Pain ... 

Pain is how you screamed at me, scrambling frantically away, staring at me in disgust, as if I was the dirt on the ground, worthless and crude. Pain is the hollow feeling inside me, where my heart once was. Pain is how you struck out at me without thinking, slapping me across my cheek. 

Usually ... 

Your gorgeous eyes. I love your eyes. When I used to look at them, they were warm, bright and happy. They suit you perfectly, the exit for your emotions, where your cheerfulness spills forth. They usually sparkle and twinkle, as you gleefully say your latest joke, uncaring as everyone groans at the cheesy punchline. Not now. 

Disgust ... 

They weren't happy now. Not cheerful now. Filled with anger and disgust as you glared at me, while I lay on the ground, dazed from the slap. I felt my heart rip into shreds as you spat at me, each word a sharp knife plunged into my chest. Your normally hyper voice was a shrieking, accusing wind, that hated me. Why can't you understand? 

Was it so bad what I did? 

I never meant to ruin our friendship. 

How was I to know you'd lash out in fear? 

Can't bear to be called gay can you? I never thought you'd be homophobic. I never thought you'd be prejudiced like this. But wait, I shouldn't be so critical. You're probably just in shock. Maybe I should just let you calm down. But how can I face you now? 

Would you stare at me like I'm something worthless? 

I don't know. 

I never wanted you to hate me. 

Do you? 

I'm too scared to ask. Too scared to even call you, too scared to visit you. Will you tell the others? Funny hmm? Someone like me, someone who was once so full of confidence and arrogance being so scared of one of his friends. 

I don't care what they think, not really. You're the one I'm concerned about, no matter what you think of me, I'll always be there for you, even if you can't stand to look at me. No matter if you loathe me. 

Do you? 

I wish I could tell someone how I feel. It's bad enough my parents think I'm something gone wrong. My mother can't bear to be in the same room as me now. My father only stares at me, shaking his head, wondering where they went wrong. I can't tell my digimon, he wouldn't understand. 

They can't change who I am. 

Even if they can't stand the shame of having their one son being gay. 

I won't change. 

Not for anyone. 

Not even for you. 

I thought you'd understand. I loved you, or at least what someone like me considers love. I had such a crush on you, I thought it was obvious. Do you know how long it took me to pluck up the courage to kiss you? I thought you'd at least let me explain. Guess not. 

I never imagined you'd freak like that. Screaming and scrambling away from me like that, eyes wide and shocked. All the wrong signs, although I did my share of them too. I just stood there, afraid to meet your eyes, as you shrieked curses and accusations at me. Then when you grabbed me and yelled at me to look you in the eyes, I just stood there. 

Wrong thing to do. 

The pain is still there, both the pain of the slap and the pain in what used to be my heart. Have I ruined our friendship? I hope not, but I'm too afraid to mend it. I'm so scared. So, so scared. What do I do now? 

If I call - will you listen? If I go over to your apartment - will you let me in? If I try and explain - will you let me? If you look at me - will you just see plain Ken Ichijouji and not a monster? 

Will you Daisuke? 

I fall fully to the ground, and let the tears continue to fall.


End file.
